HE: Sweetie, you’re definitely looking thinner from behind.
ME: Thanks! You’re so sweet!
HE: But not from the front.

Such a charmer.

Ryan Seacrest posted a list of 15 signs your husband may be gay, and I was LOLing throughout most of the list. Not at the list itself, necessarily, but at the explanations for each point. So I decided to go through the list with y’all, using Frank as my guinea pig.

First, let me point out what Seacrest points out–that the list was put together by ChristWire. I’ve never been to that site, but I think it’s safe to say that it’s a humor site about Christians or something.

Ok, here we go.

1) Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers

Um, no. Frank doesn’t like the phone any more than I do, and he is very open about his late night use of computers.

Porn addiction is closely associated with homosexuality and a secretive nature implies he’s trying to hide something from you. Be on the lookout for a man who doesn’t want to web surf or answer phone calls in your presence.

Now, replace “porn addiction” with “Plants vs. Zombies addiction” and you might be onto something. And it’s safe to say that Frank definitely DOES want to web surf in my presence.

Texting is another favorite trick used by adulterers. For the sake of trust, a married couple should share everything, including phone logs, email accounts, chat friends and website histories.

Haha. I’ve seen him send a text. Texting, “Thanks!” takes about 5 minutes, so he would not be likely to use this trick. And if you’re wondering, we do know each other’s passwords for everything, and no, we don’t spy on each other.

2) Looks at other men in a flirtatious way

I don’t think he looks at other men, unless they’re speaking directly to him.

When you’re out in public, does he spend too much time looking at other men?

I’ll let you know if we ever go out in public.

Is he fond of winking at people?

I think he winked at me once. Sarcastically. Also, is winking a sign of having teh ghey? I would never have known this.

Does he get visibly upset when someone does not return a compliment about his physical appearance?

Um, no. He’s only half-listening most of the time anyway, so it’s not like he’d hear a compliment.

3) Feigning attention in church and prayer groups

No one would ever accuse Frank of even pretending to pay attention in church.

Have you noticed a lack of interest in spiritual issues?

Definitely not. He’s even listening to the whole Bible on CD right now. But that’s probably just a cover-up!

Does it ever seem as if he’s just using church as an excuse to spend time around young men?

Yeah, Frank doesn’t use any excuse to spend time around any people other than me. We’re recluses, for the most part. No, really.

Does he volunteer to mentor in all-male groups?

GASP! They have a men’s Bible study on Saturday mornings, and… and… and… HE LED THE STUDY A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO! I’m unclear as to whether he volunteered, though.

4) Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home

If by “overly fastidious” you mean “occasionally asks whether his pants match his shirt and requests a new $10 belt when his old one is nearly in two pieces from long use”, then yes, he’s overly fastidious about his appearance. Re: the home, I wish! Then at least one of us would be.

Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them.

This made me LOL, because I’m reading a book about natural childbirth, so I automatically thought you meant “men without fear and with the intention of not using drugs”. But anyway, Frank must be gritty, because I don’t think he’s made with artificial ingredients.

They sweat and they smell.

They don’t take showers? How do they get women to marry them?

Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing

whereas “natural” men are always rolling in the trash to see how smelly they can get. True men roll in trash!

and will also be incredibly particular about the cleanliness of the home.

There’s your final answer right there. Frank is definitely hetero, because he wouldn’t have married me if he were incredibly particular about home cleanliness. And he certainly wouldn’t have knocked me up.

Does your man tweeze his eyebrows, trim his pubic hairs or use face moisturizers?

Um, ew. He might shave to make 2 eyebrows instead of 1 (I wouldn’t know, because I don’t ask), but tweezing would take way too much time away from his iPad. And I can barely get him to wear sunscreen, so I’m thinking no on the moisturizers.

Is he picky about brand name shampoos?

Now, that you mention it, YES! He hates it if the brand name shampoos I buy smell too girly.

Does he spend more time getting ready for a night out than you do?

Well, yes, but 95% of that is time spent drinking coffee in preparation for the horrendous task of leaving the house.

5) Gym membership but no interest in sports

No gym membership, but the dude does exercise for at least 15 minutes 3 days a week. I should worry, right?

Gay men use the gym as a place to socialize and to have secret liaisons in the bathrooms.

I had no idea that gyms were a giant gay conspiracy! And judging from their bodies, I’d say gay men might *possibly* also use the gym as a place to work out. Maybe.

They like to work out their bodies without the competition of sports play.

What?! People who work out with the only benefit being a good / healthy body?! That’s so gay!

Afterward, they use the showers and steam rooms to engage in sexual activity beyond the prying eyes of women.

Well, at least this habit will help them with their overly fastidious appearances.

If your man returns from the gym too exhausted to talk or have sex, that is a worrisome sign.

Um… Shouldn’t I also worry if my man returns from the gym full of energy? I mean, if he’s spending our money on ridiculous gym fees, I’d hope he’s actually, you know, working out to the point of exhaustion… Also, how do I tell if my husband is too exhausted to talk when he’s not that verbose to begin with? Maybe if he’s too exhausted to play Plants vs. Zombies would be a better metric. And my husband has never ever been too tired to have sex, so this does not apply.

7) Strange sexual demands

Fetishism is a sign that a man is seeking a harder thrill beyond the normal intimacy of heterosexual relations.

Presented without comment.

The woman may not appeal to the deep desires that are coming to the surface as the marriage drags on.

It sounds to me like this sentence is assuming that a healthy marriage drags on. Maybe that problem should be addressed first.

If there is a sudden interest in sodomy, sadomasochism, lubricants, role-play, sex toys or other non-traditional intercourse methods, this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities.

Okay, wait. Use of lubricants is fetishism and is in no way related to… lubrication? Poor women over 30, engaging in fetishism without their knowledge! You’re all deeply emotionally abnormal! Shame on your hoo-hahs.

8) More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films

Pornography is a dangerous element in any marriage but there are many Christians who feel watching it does add something to their sexual lives. If you have gone down this road and find that your man perks up at the sight of the men in these sorts of videos, you should be concerned.

Dude, we get queasy and embarrassed just watching True Blood together, and neither of us can look at the screen half the time. So no, we don’t do the whole porn thing.

If he selects films because of specific male actors, this is an obvious sign that he is suffering from a crisis of ego and desire.

You know, we do watch a lot of dumb action flicks, which tend to star the same old dumb action heroes… DANGER!

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia

Ok, LOL. Any man who travels frequently to big cities or overpopulated countries is suspect! So all you wives who have traveling CPAs, lawyers, and salesmen for husbands, BEWARE! Highly populated areas are infected!

Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind.

Don’t I know it. The second we get to the big city of Fort Worth in November, I am indulging in some Braum’s ice cream and Chipotle, yo.

From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined.

Don’t forget the ice cream joints!

Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

No! Only gayness happens in these places!

10) Too many friendly young male friends

What if all his young male friends are unfriendly? He’s safe?

Someone who makes an extra effort to surround themselves with younger men should raise concerns in any community.

Well, making an extra effort to surround themselves with younger women might raise concerns, too.

If this is the case with your husband, ask yourself if he prefers their company to that of women.

Let’s see, I asked myself, and no. He doesn’t prefer anyone’s company, only mine. See above where we’re recluses.

Do they touch each other or embrace in long hugs?

No, Frank keeps his arms firmly folded in front of him so that NO ONE will try to touch him or embrace him. He also carries a gun in case people don’t get the hint.

Do they exchange expensive, personal gifts like scarves or cologne?

LOL. I’m picturing Frank in a scarf. Again, I say LOL.

11) Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends

Oh, SNAP. Sarcasm and irony are homosexual traits?? Frank and I are apparently both gay.

A man who is secretly engaged in homosexual activity with others may exhibit feminine qualities when they get together in a group.

And sarcasm and irony are purely girlish traits. I knew his political satire was a sign of something being wrong with him!

In a sense, he has “let his hair down” and this will be seen in excessive back talk and speaking with one’s hands.

WHEW! Arms folded, so no hand talking. I was getting worried.

12) Love of pop culture

We’re conservatives, so we hate most of pop culture.

It’s quite common for young men to enjoy the science fiction end of popular culture

Oh, thank goodness!

but when your husband becomes overly obsessed with romantic and feminine shows, that is cause for alarm.

Uh-oh. Frank agrees about twice a year to watch a chick flick with me. We should seek counseling.

Gossip websites,

Does Hot Air count? I mean, it does have Hot in its name. Clearly gay propaganda!

Glee

!!! We watch this together!!!

and The Golden Girls

He thought Betty White was funny in that Snickers commercial!

are three well-documented icons of the gay movement that genuine heterosexual men avoid.

Great, thanks. Now he’s gonna stop watching Glee with me.

13) Extroverted about his bare chest in public

He’s very white, so no.

Does he go shirtless in the back yard or at picnics when other men are around?

That sounds like one of those leaving-the-house activities. Also, to be fair, shirtlessness can also be a sign that your husband is a werewolf.

Does he wear a speedo at the beach?

No, but there was one time when we were hiking in the mountains…

Does it seem like he’s purposely standing right in the middle of a crowd to show off his chest and arm muscles, peppering people with questions about how strong he looks?

Oh my goodness, do gay men do this? Because that’s hilarious.

He may be craving physical affirmation from other men and desperately looking for hints of shared desires in those around him.

Or he’s part of a comedy bit, because, again, that’s just funny.

14) Sudden heavy drinking

Alcoholism is a sign of homosexuality. Don’t tell the Irish, or they’ll start a fight with you. (Kidding, Irish. Don’t beat me up.)

Sometimes people dealing with an unbearable emotional issue like homosexuality will turn to alcohol to hide their distress.

Is this limited to homosexuality, or are there other emotional issues that will turn you drunk?

Does your man disappear on drinking binges for long hours without answering his cellphone?

All the time.

Is there a strange odor about him when he returns, some strange mix of cigarettes and gel?

Cigarettes + gel = signs of alcoholism.

Does he cry frequently?

He cried when we watched that movie Up. GAY!

15) Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?

Oh, um. Actually, yes.

This is an important question to ask yourself when your marriage starts to have problems.

Considering that our problems usually consist of whether I have to sit through an episode of Farscape, I don’t know that I need to ask if he’s gay when this comes up.

Statistics have shown that women who have encountered gay men romantically in the past are the most likely to repeat this mistake in future relationships.

Whatever. I only had several boyfriends who turned out gay. Your statistics clearly aren’t true in my case.

If you answered yes, you should ask yourself whether you’re honestly looking for a man or just a shopping companion.

I hate shopping.

Is sharing gossip more important to you than raising children?

Um, I’m a woman. Can’t they be equal?

Ultimately, it’s a question of getting your priorities straight!

Straight! Ha! ISWYDT.

ME: Oh, they have a breastfeeding class, too.
HE: Well, I don’t need to go to that.
ME: It says to bring your husband or other support person.
HE: Eh.
ME: And an infant-sized doll or stuffed animal.
HE: Okay, I’m out.

Ah, but what did you expect from us? We never take anything seriously. I mean, I guess we’ll have to once the baby comes, but until then, we are 100% silly.

Side note: There were seven couples in our class, and only two of us (including me) have had no Braxton-Hicks contractions. I wonder if that means Buttercup will be late. (Not necessarily, I know.)

During the “here’s a very disgusting video about labor” video…

ME: They’re showing us porn.
HE: Then it’s negative porn, because I am so not turned on right now.
***

HE: I’m supposed to be supportive and tell you you’re doing a great job. I think I’ll say, “You’re doing an okay job, but would you be open to some constructive criticism?”
***

The video tells us to note the color, odor, amount, and time if the water breaks. Frank says to me very seriously, “So make sure to carry a measuring cup around with you.” I’m a perfect lady, so naturally I mime sticking a cup between my legs and raising it for a toast.

Then there were the relaxation techniques.

ME: Don’t forget to watch my chest and count my breaths.
HE: [Straight-up OGLING of the girls.]

The instructor nurse later had us try to relax by visualizing something super relaxing while breathing deeply. I was doing okay with this, but the ogling already had me giggly. I was visualizing myself finishing hiking the Grand Canyon, getting back to the trailhead, smelling the dirt and grass and seeing the aspen trees… it was lovely. She was trying to make me go to a meadow and walk up a little hill and leave my stress at the top of the hill and look at dandelions, but I was only half-listening and hanging out at the Grand Canyon. And then she said, “The billowy clouds…” and my eyes flew open. I almost said, “Really?” I felt like I was at a hippie poetry reading. Frank, still ogling per the instructions, saw my eyes and leaned over and said, “You be sweet.” At which point I lost it. And I couldn’t even do the quiet laughing fit. I was like the kid who’s trying so hard not to laugh that she laughs almost as loud as if she’d just let it go.

Teacher didn’t like that so much and started telling everyone (2 or 3 couples started laughing when I did) that it may seem silly, but it really helps to visualize. Her face got all stern and stuff.

Then later when Frank was doing all these relaxation techniques on me (raining, hailing, fluffing me like a pillow, smoothing me like bedsheets), he kept whispering to me that I need to think of it like a power-up during a video game. “You know how you have to hold the wand straight up for three seconds to get your spell to charge enough in Harry Potter so it makes your opponent stay down longer? Breathe like that.” “I’m not visualizing video games.” “I’m just saying. Take your power from the earth. Like in a video game.” “No.”

There were many more jokes he made that I can’t remember, and I didn’t write them down. I do remember one thing he said on the way home. “When it’s time for you to push, I’m gonna say, ‘Let’s make this INfant an OUTfant.’”

If he can keep me laughing through labor, I think I can deal.

So we’re making progress on the nursery. I’m just so proud, because I (knowing myself as I do) was expecting the room wouldn’t even be started by the time Princess Buttercup arrives. But the walls are finished and came out looking rainforesty like I wanted. And the floors and new doors have been installed! Now all I have to do before we can start putting furniture in it is paint the trim around the windows and doors and paint the doors.

Here’s what it looks like so far:

Frank is going to start putting the crib together tonight, so I think I’ll work on the trim painting this afternoon.

Also making progress: Princess Buttercup and the hugeness of my belly. I’m 30.5 weeks pregnant now, and if my belly is this big now, I can’t imagine how ginormous it will be at 9 months.

And I have a very short torso, so there’s really nowhere for her to go but out now. Princess Buttercup weighs over 3 pounds (at least that’s what the average is), and she kicks like some animal that kicks really hard. This morning I was pulling weeds, and some of the kicks took my breath away. She loves to kick during church; yesterday morning, one of her kicks made me jump out of my pew. It’s still adorable and precious, even though it can be jarring.

She gets the hiccups almost every day, sometimes twice a day–it slays me. And she changes position every day now, I guess deciding which is her favorite.

I’ve still been good in the weight department somehow (good genes, I suppose, because I eat a lot of potatoes and cheese). According to the Wii Fit, I’ve still only gained 5.5 pounds since I got pregnant. I’m hoping to keep this pace and keep my weight gain to 15 for the pregnancy. If I can stay under 170, I’ll be ecstatic.

We continue to prepare. I haven’t packed the hospital bag yet, but I’ve made the list and plan to pack it in the next week or two. And we start birthing classes tomorrow night. Yes, it will be comedy gold, and yes, I will be taking pictures and blogging all the smart alecky stuff Frank says during class.

We get company this weekend. Bikermommy and Sizzle are both flying in for the baby shower on Saturday and to help with the baby preparations. I can’t wait to see them! And then next week, Frank’s cousin and her family are coming in, so it will be nice to see them too. The week after that, Frank’s brother and sister-in-law are coming for a visit… Yeah, you could say we have a busy August coming up. At least it means my house stays clean. Which, by the way, it has been since my mom visited at the end of June. The nesting kicked in about 10 days before her visit and hasn’t really let up.

It’s hot AND humid here. Like above 20% humidity!! Once you’ve acclimated to living in 10% humidity and get used to not sweating, it’s a little disconcerting when the air is wet and you pour sweat. I’m ready for September.

Last night, I was finally comfy in bed, and Frank pushed his arm under my giant maternity pillow.

ME: Uhnnnnnn. [my whiny grunt]
HE: What?
ME: You’re lifting me. I don’t know how you’re lifting me, since I’m a cow, but you’re lifting me.
HE: I’m super-strong.
ME: Not the appropriate response.
HE [laughing]: I can lift massive things!

He’s not even trying to pretend I’m not huge right now. Yesterday, I’m walking through the house…

ME: Ugh, I sound like an elephant stomping through the house.
HE: You have a big baby belly.

John Hawkins put out his list of 20 Must-Add Conservatives on Twitter. I’m on it (sarahk47), so this list is totally valid. Frank’s on it too. If you are on the Twitter, I recommend you follow both of us, as most of my funniest tweets are insults directed at him.

When my mom came to visit, she took me baby book shopping so she could buy the baby book. But the more we looked, the less we liked. We didn’t like any of the baby book options out there, because they were either solely photo books, bland pre-made scrapbooks that had zero of the traditional baby book elements, or they had traditional baby book elements but were bland and had few places for pictures and no pockets for keepsakes. Or you couldn’t add pages.

So I decided to make the baby book. Oh, SarahK.

We got a lot of papers and accents to get me started, and I’ve worked on it here and there ever since and mostly finished her 2-page name layout a few days ago. But y’all know me and my obsessions–I get obsessed easily and don’t fall out of obsession nearly as easily. So yes. I’m now obsessed with making this baby book and with scrapbooking in general. On the one hand, this is good, because I have bins and bins of mementos and scraps just waiting to be put into books. On the other hand, scrapbooking is expensive. I’ve been pretty good about not spending too much money–only buying embellishments and paper when they’re on sale, using coupons religiously, only buying stickers if I can think of ways to use more than just the one sticker in the package that I really want.

But then when I learned about and became obsessed with the Cricut, I also happened to have a couple months’ worth of allowance saved up. Bad combo.

Yes, my new Cricut arrives today. I got it on eBay and feel like I should be in a Weird Al song. I’m so excited about it that I’m trying to get all my cleaning finished this morning so I can play with it all afternoon. And yesterday I went and bought a bunch of scrap papers on clearance so I can play cheaply.

So I’m not saying that this blog might get a little crowded with boring scrapbooky stuff, but I’m also not saying that it won’t.

I had one. Today. It was great. And busy. And hot. And there were super-yummy gluten-free cupcakes.

I love this man. He’s not my man, but my man could smell like him.

Here’s the latest commercial:

And here are video responses to comments about the commercial.

This one cracks me up simply for how he addresses the person:

LOL, mascularity:

Ok, so there are lots, too many for me to watch since I want to go to bed soon (with my man, who could smell like the Old Spice guy). But this is my favorite one I’ve seen:

Nataly Dawn from Pomplamoose collaborates with Lauren O’Connell.

I have them. And I wish I could blame pregnancy, but I’ve kind of always had them. I have my dad’s legs, see. Maybe even his exact legs. Pop-Eye shins, zero definition in the cankle area. It’s embarrassing, but whatevs. Nothing I can do about them (I’ve tried hard), so I just live knowing that Hillary Clinton and I have a very unappealing trait in common. I could be Secretary of State someday.

Anyway, so my mom came to visit, and we were over at my in-laws’ for dinner one evening. I was sitting on a barstool and had one leg resting up on the next barstool (my feet hurt from carrying the weight of my cankles through the zoo all day). My mom saw my cankle and said, “Sarah. Your ankles are so swollen! You need to make sure to tell your doctor how swollen they are.” And then my mother-in-law checked to make sure I wasn’t pitting, and my mom was put at ease that I wasn’t all full of edema. “Um, mom, that’s how they always look. I have major cankles.”

She looked really surprised. And she wasn’t just doing that passive-aggressive thing that some moms do to point out your faults. I didn’t get them from her, and I hardly ever wear shorts or skirts, so she just didn’t realize about my hideous cankles.

I hope Buttercup doesn’t get them.

…the nursery walls will be done. I thought they were done yesterday, when I finished them. But then the last two walls I did don’t look nearly as good as the first one.

I’m going for a rainforest/jungle-y look on the walls, and I want it to look–well, rainy. The first wall turned out well.

The others look too stripey, so I’m going to redo at least two of them. Hopefully today so we can have the floors installed soon!

I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since we moved into our house! We closed on July 17th, the movers came on the 18th and moved the furniture and all the packed boxes, and we finished clearing out the rent house (and trying to clean it with a busted vacuum cleaner) on my birthday, the 19th. It was so nice to move into this house, knowing that we plan to be here for a long time. Even nicer to have someone do all the lifting for us.

Anyway, here I am loving the house and painting the nursery and I can’t help but think of how much easier this move was than my previous few moves. Well, yeah, the previous two were cross-country moves and this one was just across town, so that may have had something to do with it.

But man, do you remember my move from Amarillo to Florida? We loaded with help of family in Amarillo and then spent five days driving to the east coast of Florida. And when we got there, we had to unload the truck ourselves. Actually, Frank was back at work, so I unloaded most of it into my storage unit by myself, and some nice people at the storage place helped me with the furniture until Frank got off work. BEATING.

We did the move from Florida to Boise a little smarter. We still drove the truck ourselves, but we hired moving services on both ends to load and unload the truck. That wasn’t so bad (unless you consider that we moved cross-country with four animals), and if you can’t afford to hire movers or don’t trust other people to drive your stuff across the country (for us it was a little of both, but mostly the money), I cannot recommend enough hiring out the loading and unloading. You don’t want to drive exhausted, and you don’t want to unload the truck after you’ve driven cross-country for seven days (that’s how long our Florida/Boise move took—a very loooooong seven days).

The easiest of our moves was moving across town to this house. We hired movers, and I just got to direct them where to put everything. And then I actually had the energy to unpack my kitchen right away.

On the other hand, cross-country do-it-yourself moves make for great blogfodder. As you know.

Frank took me on a hot date Friday night (but first, he wrote this. I’ll pause while you awwwwww). I went dress shopping and came home with three options. This is the one I wore on the hot date:

Oh, and when I got home from dress shopping, Frank was home from work and had lilies waiting for me. Lilies are my favorites.

We had dinner reservations for Cottonwood Grille, a wonderful restaurant downtown next to the Boise River. Frank had specified when making the reservation that we would need to dine gluten-free. So when we got there, they handed us our 2-page gluten-free menu. We asked to sit outside. The patio is next to a big rock waterfall and pond–so pretty. The weather was nice and breezy, with just a little bit of a chill–if I hadn’t been pregnant, I would have been freezing.

We started looking at the menu, and I took forever to decide on what to eat. I’ve gotten used to having a maximum of ten choices at any given restaurant, so a full two-page menu was just options overload for me. Not to mention that they’d also given us a regular menu, and at least half of the items on that menu had gluten-free options available. Too many choices! :)

We shared a crab cocktail for our appetizer (I was starving when we got there), and then we both had the onion soup (without the crouton, of course). And when they brought us our soup, the waiter set down a basket of bread. “And here is some bread for you. It’s gluten-free.” !!! We never get to eat bread at a restaurant! So that was a very welcome surprise. I ate lots. And the onion soup was probably the best I’ve ever had.

It sprinkled on us a little while we finished our soup, and as soon as the family next to us moved inside due to the weather, it stopped sprinkling. There was only one other couple out there, and they were gone before our entrees arrived, so we had the whole patio to ourselves.

Frank had some scrumptious looking venison in a cabernet sauce, and if it had been a little more cooked, I would have tried it, but medium rare is just too raw for me. I had the stuffed prawns florentine with garlic mashed potatoes and some kind of squash. All was very good. The sun started setting while we ate our entrees, and it was gorgeous. We talked about lily pads and whether the ones on the pond were fake. We talked a lot about Buttercup, too, of course.

The waiter came and boxed up our leftovers and took our dessert orders. Frank had ordered a martini to go with his dinner and was only half finished with it when he got up to go to the bathroom. And as soon as he left the table, the wind picked up. I could hear it coming from across the river–the trees were LOUD–so I had a feeling. Sure enough, it was soon no longer breezy. More like mild hurricane-ish. The water started blowing off the waterfall and pond, Frank’s napkin went flying, I waddled over to get it and waited for him to get back so we could go inside.

The waiter brought our desserts before Frank was back, so I made an executive decision and just asked if we could finish up inside. So he took the dessert plates while I grabbed the boxed leftovers and Frank’s martini. I thought we’d just take one of the tables right inside the door, but I got to waddle all the way across the dining room, half-drunk martini in hand, six months pregnant. I avoided all eye contact with the other patrons.

Frank found me, and he wolfed down a yummy looking raspberry creme brulee while I had a yummy chocolate mousse, which he helped me finish off.

Dinner was gooooood. We decided it was too late to go anywhere else, so we went home, did some hot date stuff (IYKWIM), and watched half of the RiffTrax for Return of the King. Yes, we’re old, and our favorite thing to do on a Friday night is watch a movie with RiffTrax.

It was a great date. I wonder what we’ll do for our hot date next July, when we have a nine-month-old in the house. We’ll see!

We’re planning to go to Texas for two weeks at Thanksgiving to… well, show off the baby and give the relatives ample holding time. We only get to go to Texas every other year or so, so we want to spend lots of time with the fam and also see some friends while we’re in town(s). We’ll spend a couple of days driving each way, so that really puts us down at 10 days in Texas. And we’ll need to spend multiple days in each of Amarillo, Big Spring, Fort Worth, and Abilene.

So I’m trying to figure out how I can finagle spending an entire day in Dallas. Close to Ft. Worth, yes, but that’s a WHOLE DAY to cut out of family/friends time.

I usually avoid Dallas as much as possible–I’ve always said it’s good only for sports teams and restaurants (yes, as a 25-year F-Dub resident, I’m firmly in the Ft. Worth camp in the ever-important question of Fort Worth or Dallas?). But see, that’s why I need to spend all day there–food.

I was browsing for gluten-free options in Ft. Worth (since the trip is only 5 1/2 months away) and came across a restaurant called Kozy Kitchen. I first looked at their breakfast menu. Gluten-free French toast. I’ve made it for Frank (quite successfully), but he’s never been able to order it at a restaurant. There’s just something about being able to order your (that is, his) favorite breakfast food at a restaurant that you can’t recreate at home. And of course, there are several things on the breakfast menu I would eat. GLUTEN-FREE PANCAKES, PEOPLE! Again, I can make them and have eaten them, but never have I been able to walk in and order them at a restaurant. Nevermind the Hangover Helper, which just looks YUM. I mean, I’d order it without the eggs, but YUM.

And then I went to the lunch menu. Um… buffalo burger! With a gluten-free option! There’s a bunless option, yes, but this is an option to have your buffalo burger on a gluten-free bun. Yes, yes, I make GF buns all the time, but again, it’s the whole restaurant thing. When you go gluten-free, your restaurant options severely dwindle. Even in the three years that I’ve been gluten-free, the options have expanded hugely, but there are still entire don’t-even-bother restaurants, some restaurants where you can eat maybe one thing unless you want only steamed veggies and boring chicken, and others where the gluten-free items might as well not even be listed, because the cross-contamination is so bad that you’ll be sick no matter what you order. And generally if you’re eating gluten-free, you’re eating expensive, or you’re at Qdoba, Pei Wei, or Chipotle (and in Boise, we have only Qdoba of those three). You can get into a rut where there are only four or five restaurants you’ll go to because you know you can safely eat at them without research (Chang’s, Outback, Chipotle, Qdoba, Five Guys, etc.). So to see a restaurant offering a buffalo burger (have I mentioned my love of buffalo burgers before? Because I would marry them.) with a bun I can eat is just… well, sigh. It gives me hope. And no, you can’t make me care (at least not 5 1/2 months in advance) that I would be paying $14 for a burger. You just can’t. This is the first time I’ve ever seen a gluten-free burger on a menu that isn’t just the meat and fixin’s. I’m sure that’s partially because I live under a rock and we don’t eat out much anyway (costs money), but hey. I just saw a gluten-free bun available for order at a restaurant, so I’m a little giddy.

The dinner menu looks wonderful, but can we just skip right to dessert? All desserts are gluten-free. Ah, so… an assortment of sorbets, right? (I do love sorbet, but I’m not always wanting sorbet.) Listen to this. Italian Wedding Cake, Carrot Cake, Tres Leches. Gluten-free. Bunch of other stuff, too, but those are things I would actually consider ordering. Forget the egg thing. I’ll eat eggs on vacation. Not gluten, but eggs, yes.

So yeah. I have to make this happen for three different meals. Somehow.

There’s definitely something in there!

UPDATE: Rachel Lucas sent me this, and I can’t stop laughing:

Today (Wednesday 6/2), Princess Buttercup started kicking hard enough that Frank could finally feel her kick. My little Bladder Puncher is growing up so fast.

When you’re not kicking Mommy’s bladder, you’re using it for a pillow. When you’re older, I will hold this over your head to get you to clean your room or do the dishes. “Why do I have to clean my room?” “Because my bladder still hasn’t recovered from you. And because I said so.”

Love, Ma

So I went to Babies R Us yesterday to beat my head against the wallregister for the t-shirt baby. I walked around w/ my new grinding hips (yeah, it’s hard to walk now, there’s limping involved, and yes, I’ve called the doctor) and scanned a bunch of stuff for the registry. I got through furniture, bedding, and gear in an hour and a half, and then I decided that was enough for one day. Mainly it just hurt to walk and it was getting-home time.

Annnnyway, I filled out the forms and such to make my registry available online. Mainly so I can go back and look and see what the heck I registered for, research it all to make sure it doesn’t have horrible reviews and ratings, etc.

So today I look at the registry, and every single item says it’s available in-store only. LIARS. I went and searched for some of the things I registered, and they’re all available online. So that’s annoying. And they must have entered my password wrong, because I can’t even get in to edit the thing.

So while I’m waiting for my password to reset, I’m looking over the list of “must-haves” that they give you when you register. Let’s go over a few.

Strollers: It says I “must have” a travel system, a full-size stroller, an umbrella stroller, a jogging stroller, a convenience stroller, stroller toys, stroller netting, a weather shield, and a stroller blanket.

First off, five strollers? And just where would I store all of these strollers? I’d have to rent a storage unit just for strollers. I’ve registered the travel system and the jogging stroller, because I think those really are pretty necessary. The jogging stroller was the very first thing I registered, because you know, I have ambitions that I will exercise sometime in the first year after Buttercup comes. Maybe. One of my wonderful readers mentioned the travel system as being super-handy, and yeah, I think I need that. I registered an extra base so we can easily switch the car seat part of the travel system between cars when needed. I’ll register the umbrella stroller, because my SIL recommends it. But after a jogger, a travel system, and an umbrella stroller, I really don’t see how I’m gonna need a full-size stroller. And what’s a convenience stroller? I just assumed the umbrella stroller was the convenience stroller.

Stroller toys. Are they different from regular toys? I don’t know. Stroller netting. If we still lived in Florida, I’d be all over this. But we don’t, so I think we’ll go without. Right? Is this something I need? I don’t know, but it sounds superfluous. Weather shield. I can actually see this as being handy, but since I’ve never actually seen a stroller with a weather shield out in public, as parents tend to use lots of blankets to protect the babies from the elements, I don’t think I need one. Also, I live in the desert. Stroller blanket. Is this different from regular blankets? I don’t know.

Baby stuff is hard.

We’ll do more of this later. Again, Buttercup is not yet here, so I can’t be considered a mommy blogger yet. You can call me a pregnancy blogger if you must. That’s fair.

Yeah, so I’m trying to register for baby things.

Which is impossible. Too many choices! Too many items! I know I don’t need all of it, but I know I need some of it! After hours of research and browsing, I’ve registered cloth diapers and a jogging stroller. So at least she’ll have something to wear on her bum, and I’ll be able to exercise.

All the other decisions are just too hard. Maybe I should just pay someone to do it for me. Or tell Frank, “Here ya go, dude. If you make the wrong decisions, your child’s safety is in jeopardy. Good luck!”

HE: Hey, those are *my* Doritos!
ME: You handed them to me!
HE: I did?
ME: Yes, I reached out for them, and you just handed them right to me.
HE: Wow, you must have me trained like Pavlov’s dog or something. I don’t even remember that.

She starts out sucking her thumb, then stops, then she looks angry. Her little fists clench up, her eyes close (is it too early for eyelids? I dunno)–I think she’s sneezing. Which is probably impossible, so maybe a really violent hiccup? I dunno. Anyway, she shakes her head afterward, and then the whole screen starts shaking, because I am laughing at her head shake. She’s too much, I can’t take how cute she is.

Princess Buttercup Fleming. Or at least that’s what Frank is calling her. And for purposes of the blog, she will be Princess Buttercup. At least for now.

Today I’m 18.5 weeks, and we had our 2nd ultrasound this afternoon. She was just precious. She kicked a lot, slept on her left hand like I do (*sob*), shook her head (the overwhelming awesomeness of that almost KILLED me), sucked her thumb, coughed (or maybe hiccuped), gave us a thumbs up, and waved her arms around. Yeah, I cried the whole time.

One day, I’ll upgrade my wordpress so I can have a nice little button for posting videos. I’ll have to edit the pics before I can post them.

Pregnancy update:

Well, it started with me sleeping all the time. Then I finally started getting my energy back, and the migraines started hitting hard. Aspirin-free Excedrin kicks most of them, but then I get massive, 3-day-long migraines that can’t be kicked without real meds. So the doc prescribed Midrin for those cases. I’ve only had to take that once since I got it a week ago. He says the headaches should taper off by about week 20, so if they don’t, I’ve promised to bug him about them. Some of them are as bad as the first ones I had 7 years ago. Killah.

The intestinal misery continues on, though it’s not as bad as it was.

Heartburn. I haz it. Rather, it has me. Thank goodness for Sprouts papaya enzymes.

I don’t remember if I told y’all about the baby moving around. I’ve been feeling her since I was 13 weeks in, which is way early for a first pregnancy, especially in overweight women. At first, I just felt really fast vibrations. Now I feel all kinds of movement, and I started being able to distinguish kicks this week. Right now she’s shifting around a lot–apparently she can’t get comfy.

I have a definite bump. Love it. I’m in maternity clothes now, because, you know, things are really tight around the belly. I’ve only gained 1 pound, which makes me think my goal of 10-15 pounds is actually doable! So that’s been nice. Good baby.

I’m almost ready to start painting the nursery. We’re going with a jungle theme. Realistic-ish, not cartoonish. I’m going to TRY to do misty green walls (as in looks like it’s raining, and I’ll take your suggestions on how to do that), white trim, white furniture, dark wood laminate floors. Yep, we’re doing the whole room, including replacing the doors (over the years we will replace all the doors in the house, because they’re awful). We’ll probably do a pastel yellow rug and bedding. And monkeys, toucans, and macaws. Especially monkeys. I can imagine your surprise.

ME: Will you still love me if I gain 60 pounds?
HE: No.
ME: What about 30?
HE: That’s pushing it.
***

FRIEND: I take fiber daily. Keeps the bowels moving.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that. Wouldn’t know, I’m pregnant. My bowels practically move backwards.

Me. I can’t wait. Me me me me me.

If they ruin it by not showcasing Jasper, I’ll make you all endure awkward stares, and I’ll stutter. I WILL STUTTER.

Persuasion by Jane Austen

I am working my way through Jane Austen (never read any of hers) and loving her. I love her style, her humor, and the wit of her heroines–I especially love their sarcasm. And I want to marry her heroes. I don’t love her use of commas, but that’s not her fault–I’m sure comma rules were just different then.

I had high expectations for Persuasion, because several of my friends list this one as their favorite, so I was surprised when it came in second to Pride and Prejudice (of the two I’ve read so far). I still loved Persuasion and was not disappointed; Captain Wentworth just wasn’t in the book enough for my liking. I wanted more more more of him, because I’m in love with him. Also, I kind of wanted to smack Anne a few times for always deferring to Lady Russell. You’re in your twenties, Anne. Be a big girl.

I’m so proud.

Pre-PG weight: 153.1
Current weight: 152.8

I’m not trying to lose weight, but I haven’t been as hungry as before… I’m sure that will change in the next trimester, so for now, I’m thankful that I didn’t put on the typical 2-3 in the first trimester. Especially since I’ve gained quite a bit in my boobs. Seriously, those girls have gone crazy.